kimschlotwrites

Week 12: Write Off

2019-01-20T22:16:44Z

Boobs.

Yeah. I thought that would get your attention.

So, I’m an overweight woman, but I haven’t blessed with a certain physical attribute that most other overweight woman have been blessed with. Yup, I got small boobs. It’s a pain in the butt with shirts. If it fits over my gut, it’s going to be too big in the top.

If you’re getting tired of reading about my boobs, don’t worry, I’m tired about writing about them. But I am going to tell you all about my theory as to why I am not well endowed.

Before a person is born, they’re kept in this big hotel. Really huge, really nice. Each being has their own room. Oh, and before you’re born, you’re just this gray mannequin looking thing.

Anyway, so one day before I’m born, I’m hanging out in my room, lying down, thinking about napping, when there is a knock at my door. With a heavy sigh, I get out of bed and walk to the door. There’s an envelope on the floor in front of the door. I pick it up, and look out my peephole. No one is waiting. I pick of the envelope, opening it while I walk back to the bed. It’s a letter in gold script.

You are invited to a Brunch Buffet with the Big Man.

Someone will be by to escort you to the banquet hall.

Please, do not share your invitation with any other being. This is an exclusive event, and not everyone has been invited.

A few things about this letter. First, a Brunch Buffet? Hell yeah. A Brunch Buffet is the second best type of buffet ever. Second, there is really no time in this hotel. The invite can’t just say be ready at 11am or something. So they have someone come to get you. Third, “The Big Man” can refer to God, the creator, or the universe itself. Whatever. But an invite his huge. And lastly, an exclusive event that I’m invited to? Go me! I’m special!

At some point, the knock came to my door. I flew out of bed, and was ready. I kept asking my escort questions, “What’s this about?” “How many other beings will be there?” “Is the bacon chewy or crispy?” But I got no answers. Very hush hush.

The ballroom is gorgeous. Crystal chandeliers, tables with linen napkins. And it smelled amazing. The food wasn’t out yet, but I could smell it. My mouth was watering.

My escort told me to sit, and relax. The food would be brought out shortly. I couldn’t keep my eyes off the long buffet tables. When was the food coming out? I was ready to eat!

Other beings kept filing in. There were a lot of us in the room, probably a couple hundred. Everyone eyed the empty buffet tables. Finally, the last person was seated. The banquet doors closed, and the buffet was brought out.

There was a lot of excited chatter. I heard people making game plans, “First, I’m getting eggs, then hashbrowns and bacon. I’ll eat those and go back up to the carving station, and do they have soup?”

When we were told that would could eat, it was like a stampede. I tried to show some restraint, but those Belgian Waffles with strawberries and whipped cream were calling my name. I may have jostled my way to the front of that line. I would have felt bad, but you should have the seen the way people were going for the smoked salmon. Insane!

After starting in on my second plate, the Big Man entered the banquet hall. Some clapped, some hooted and hollered. Some were just in complete awe that they stared open mouthed, their forks just hanging there.

The Big Man spoke, “Thank you all for being here.” He had the big booming voice you’d expect. “I hope you are all enjoying the brunch buffet. Please keep eating. I’m sure you all can eat and listen at the same time.” He smiled. There was some polite laughter. I mean it wasn’t funny, but he’s the Big Man. You laugh when he tells a joke.

“I’ve called you all here today because I wanted to warn you about your upcoming lives. You’re going to be fat. It’s going to be difficult, and I apologize.” He paused. “You’ll be teased, picked on. A lot of you will suffer from low self esteem and low self worth. You’ll wonder if you would be treated differently if you were thinner.”

There was talk among us. We did not like what we were hearing.

The Big Man continued. “However, to offset some of this, I’m going to give you a gift. I am going to give you boobs. Everyone loves boobs. And you will have them. So, please, line up, and I will give them to you.”

Like with the buffet, there’s a mad rush to get into line for this gift. I start to get in line, but I’m distracted by the buffet. They are taking the brunch buffet foods down, and putting up a dessert buffet. A dessert buffet. The best buffet ever. The only kind of buffet that is better than a brunch buffet.

I glance at the line for the boobs, and then back at the buffet line. Buffet line was shorter, it won out. I grabbed a couple cookies and a piece of cheesecake, and went back to my table to eat. When I finished I looked up at the boob line. Still incredibly long. The dessert buffet looks like it hasn’t been discovered by most of the beings in the room. Time for seconds. Pecan pie, here I come.

While I’m topping this ooey gooey goodness with whipped cream, The Big Man voice comes out again. “It looks like I have run out. To those who didn’t get their gift, I deeply apologize.”

I shrug it off. It didn’t seem worth waiting in that long line anyway.

As I’m walking back to my seat, this being comes up to me, and says excitedly, “I have boobs!”

Just as enthusiastically, I hold my plate in the air and answer, “I have pie!”

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Week 12: MacGuffin

2019-01-16T23:02:57Z

Sunday, December 3, 2017

It finally happened. Brent proposed! After five years and ups and downs, he finally proposed. I can’t wait to be be Heather Barton.

We talked to our families and figured out a budget. No, I won’t get the wedding I dreamed about since I was a little girl. I can’t afford a bedazzled ball gown with a cathedral length veil. The flower hybrid I imagined just doesn’t exist. And did I really think the Harlem Boys Choir would sing me down the aisle?

I’m okay with not having any of that. The castle. That’s what’s important.

***

Thursday, December 7, 2017

I’m so excited! Tomorrow is the day. Brent and I are touring Claremont Castle, and putting a deposit down for the wedding. As I’ve written in this journal many times, we—or I should say I—already have a date picked out. Saturday, October 19, 2019. The day my grandparents got married.

How sweet would that be? Getting married on the same date and in the same place as my grandparents. I’m just so excited.

***

Friday, December 8, 2017

We’ve been home from Claremont Castle for about an hour now, and I’m still not sure what to do. The date, my date, is already booked. I’m devastated. Brent doesn’t seem as heartbroken as me. All he says is “It’s just a day. We can choose another.”

Why doesn’t he understand?

There is a small glimmer of hope. Grant and Chris. They are the ones who are in my spot at Claremont Castle. When the event coordinator left the room, I took a picture of her planner with the names and contact information of the couple. Brent didn’t notice. He was engrossed in something on his phone.

So, I have a phone number and email address for this couple. I tried searching Facebook by the email address, but the profile came up private. I plan on emailing tomorrow. Calling just seems crazy. But I may end up calling if I don’t get an answer in a week.

I’m starting to feel a little better. I can just picture it. I write a beautiful email, asking them if they would mind changing their wedding date. They would be so moved by my story, that the agree. We become close friends, and go to each other’s weddings. Maybe we’d have kids around the same time, and they would grow up together and be best friends. All because a date on a calendar.

***

Monday, December 11, 2017

My stomach has been in knots all weekend. First thing Saturday I emailed Grant. (At least I think it was him. His name was in the email address.) I checked my email just about every hour. Nothing. All weekend, no response.

I’ll admit the email wasn’t as...what’s the word...eloquent as I imagined. But it wasn’t psychotic. It was short and sweet.

I finally received a reply today while I was at work. I tried to wait until my lunch to open it, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything until I read the email.

Honestly, nothing has been resolved. He has questions. I guess it’s understandable. We’re going to meet for coffee this weekend and talk. He thinks it’s going to be a double date. But that’s not happening. No way am I bringing Brent. He has no idea what I’m doing, and I plan on keeping that way for as long as possible. He doesn’t understand how important this date is to me.

***

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Oh my God this week is dragging. Why can’t it be Saturday? I’ve chewed my nails off. I’ve barely slept this whole week. I’m both excited and nervous to meet with Chris and Grant.

I just hope it goes well.

***

Saturday, December 16, 2017

I DID IT!!! Oh my God. We’re getting our wedding date. I pulled it off.

Grant is awesome. It only ended up being me and him because Chris was called into work last minute. I guess they had booked the venue only a week before Brent and I tried to. They just chose it because they wanted a fall wedding in 2019. The day didn’t have any meaning to them. They already called Claremont to change the date. Because it was so far in advance, they could move it without losing money. I’ve already left a message with the event coordinator lady asking to “put me on a waiting list” for that date.

I did it!

***

Tuesday, December 18, 2017

It’s official! I’m getting married at Claremont Castle on Saturday, October 19th, 2019.

::Happy Dance::

***

Sunday, January 21, 2018

So, Grant and I are like best friends now. Crazy, right? We go out to lunch once a week, and we text all through the day. We’re so close. I love him.

That sounds so much worse than it is! I love him in a friend way. I’m not cheating on Brent with Grant. First of all, Chris has joined us a couple times for lunch. Second, Grant is gay. Chris is a guy.

They are such a cute couple. The times I’ve spent with them together they’re always holding hands, blowing each other kisses, winking at each other. It’s so adorable. You can tell they love each other.

I wish Brent and I were like that. I’ve been trying to hold his hand more, but he usually has them in his pockets, or holding his phone.

***

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Brent and I celebrated Valentine's Day tonight. I’m a bit disappointed. First of all, he left all the planning to me. I chose the restaurant, made the reservations. I even picked out his clothes for him.

At the restaurant, he complained that the service was slow, that the wine was overpriced, that the food was over cooked.

For a gift, I bought him tickets to see a band he likes. His response, “They’re last album sucked.”

You know Grant and Chris did for Valentine’s Day? They got a couples massage, and made dinner together. So much better.

Brent and I used to be like Grant and Chris. What happened?

***

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

I learned two new things today.

First, that Chris donated a piece of his liver to Grant a couple years ago. No questions asked. That’s true love.

And second, I don’t think I would do that for Brent.

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