Thanksgiving

[kimschlotwrites]

 

I wrote my first Thank You Note at age 10. My mom thought it was time I thank people myself for my gifts. I didn’t mind. Hell, it beat an awkward phone conversation that consisted of me saying “Thank you,” 2-3 minutes of silence, before handing the phone back to the nearest adult.

This first note was to Aunt Sally:

Dear Aunt Sally,

Thank you for the Christmas gift.

Love,

Diane

Short and sweet. I thought I nailed it. My mom, however thought I needed to write something longer. Something more personal. I believe she said to me, “Don’t be shy. Tell Aunt Sally how you feel about your gift.”

Well, okay. Take two.

Dear Aunt Sally,

Thank you for the Christmas gift. The stuffed frog is cute, but I would rather have the remote control car you gave to Tommy. You do know that he’s only four and does not know how to use it. Wait. I hear him crying now. Be right back.

I’m back. He was crying because he broke the car. Told you so.

Love,

Diane

P.S—It’s turtles I like. Not frogs!

P.P.S—You know you’re not really my aunt. Your just my mom’s old friend.

Neither parent proof read the letter. They were too busy trying to console Tommy. Of course, Aunt Sally called my mom after she read my heartfelt letter. After that, Mom always read my Thank You notes. For the record, though, Dad thought the letter was hysterical. I think he even high-fived me. (My dad and Aunt Sally didn’t really get along.)

Not all my Thank Yous were bad. But over the years, I was told to do a few rewrites. Here are a few ones that got blocked by the censor.

Age 12:

Dear LeAnn,

Thank you for coming to my birthday party, and for the birthday gift! How did you know that I wanted that tape?

Oh, I know how you knew. Because when you got Cooleyhighharmony for your birthday last month, I gave you a blank tape for you to record it for me. Instead of just doing the small favor, you did it for my birthday. You didn’t even buy the tape. That’s not a real gift, LeAnn. A real gift would have been you buying the tape in the store. That way I could have the little book with the lyrics in it.

I hope your boom box eats your tape.

Love,

Diane

I did get enough money for my birthday to buy the real Boyz II Men tape. I used the other tape to record songs from the radio.

Age 18:

Dear Uncle Lou,

Thank you for the typewriter and the graduation card.

I wanted to set the record straight, though. I am not going to “Secretary School.” Does that even exist anymore? In case you were not aware, it’s the 1990s. Women have more options for employment than being a teacher or a secretary. I know you’re in your 80s, but you can’t use that as an excuse to be sexist.

Love,

Diane

This one I actually felt bad about writing. Not right away, though. I was fuming when my mom told me that I should reconsider my words. I felt guilty when a couple months later, Uncle Lou was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He probably had no idea what year it was. Or, he was sexist. I don’t know.

Age 28:

Dear Mrs. Nash,

I know that you were not a completely on board with Grant and I moving in together before we got married, but I do appreciate you coming to our housewarming party.

Thank you for your generous gift of high end cleaning products, as well as instructions on the best way to clean your son’s shirts. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m regifting those instructions to Grant. I know it’s hard for you to believe, but he’s an adult and can wash his own clothes. He can also use some of these expensive cleaning supplies and clean the house, too.

Your baby is an adult. He will act like it.

Love,

Diane

P.S.—I also want to thank you for the grill. I’m sure it was just an oversight that the tag on that gift just had Grant’s name.

Grant is the one that vetoed that. Considering what I really wanted to say, I thought that was pretty tame. Side note, when I told my mom about the letter, it was her turn to high five me.

Age 32:

Dear Jeff and Tanya,

Thank you so much for sharing our wedding day. We were delighted that you brought your three kids who we never met and didn’t invite. It was such a sweet moment when one of them loudly yelled, “Eww! Get a room!” when we shared our first kiss as husband and wife.

We also want to tell you how much we appreciate your thoughtful gift of $20. Just $100 more and we can cover the plates of your offspring, that just complained that their potatoes were touching their chicken.

Love,

Diane & Grant

Both my mom and mother-in-law agreed with me, but thought it best to go the short and sweet route.

I don’t want you to think that I am ungrateful. I mean, I did sign all my letters with “Love, Diane.” I’ve written plenty of nicely worded Thank You Notes. Those just aren’t as fun!