Week 5: Kayfabe

[kimschlotwrites]

 

Several years ago, my therapist called me a liar.

Kind of.

She told me that most of my smiles are fake; they don’t quite reach my eyes. She said that it could be considered lying. She had a point. It was a lie so deeply imbedded in me that even I believed it was true. I believed my fake smiles were genuine. Or at least I thought I was fooling people. Apparently I wasn’t.

That was the first time I considered myself a liar, or a fake. Wasn’t the last.

I fake smiles, happiness, and a cherry attitude on a daily basis. Not only do I work in customer service, where the sweet as sugar act is commonplace, but I don’t want to let people in. You think I’m doing fine, that I don’t feel that familiar pull of depression, that’s fantastic. It’s what I want you to believe. I don’t want you to know that most days I don’t want to get out of bed, that I have to continuously remind myself that showering is not an enormous chore. I don’t want you to know how far down that worn path I’ve already traveled.

Facebook is another place you see the fake me. I guess that’s not too surprising. A lot of people like to either portray their life on social media as either really amazing or really fucked up. The show I put on is a little different. I remain quiet while I’m screaming on the inside. (Hmm. I guess that’s a thing with me.) It’s mostly political stuff. If you saw my posts on Facebook, you would think I’m either very neutral or I just don’t care. I don’t post anything political, or anything showing which way I lean. I will like the posts my friends make that I agree with, hide some of the stuff I don’t want to see. Sometimes I would love to post “I believe ‘X, Y, Z,’ and if you don’t like it, too bad.” But I don’t. I hold back. I don’t want to offend people, I don’t want conflict.

LJ Idol, Literary Prize Fight. This may be my most difficult confession. I read the entries every week, and I’m amazed by all the talent. How I’m still here, I don’t know. I keep expecting someone to call me out as an imposter. Or even a child playing make believe. I’m not a writer. I’ve wanted to be. But, I’m not. It’s why I never ask for constructive criticism. I’m afraid this fragile little house I’ve built—this story that I am a writer—will come crashing down. It’s why I don’t comment as much as I want, or why I just reply “Thank you,” to 99% of the comments on my entries. I feel I don’t belong.

I guess I’m just trying to keep up appearances.

See? That therapist was right. I am a liar.

Comments

[bsgsix]

I feel this deeply, and am glad you shared so openly.

I was 13 when my therapist told me I was a great liar - hiding away the past, the things my parents and my birth father's friends had done to me. My eyes didn't betray me, nor did my smile. It was just a general aura. To everyone else, she said, I radiated charisma. To her, I just was weighed down by sadness. And I've carried those words with me, even though that was 24 years ago. The things we hold close are often so visible to others.

As for the writing bit - imposter syndrome is the worst. I have it all the time. I've been published, I've been paid to go to book signings and conventions... and I feel like the worst. A fraud. Unworthy. A talentless hack.

But you are still here. Maybe the smiles are fake and the words on FB are fake, but your writing is NOT. You are a writer. You are here, writing words. You belong. Even if you didn't make it past this week, or didn't even make it past the first or second week, it doesn't matter. You wrote. You ARE a writer. The house won't come tumbling down. You've built it on a solid foundation.

Once again, you belong. You can lie to yourself, but you belong.

I took a bye this week due to some VERY fragile mental health issues, and I feel like I don't belong anywhere - here, on the Internet, in my house, on this planet. So I do get the struggle. Each one is so varied, so personal - and so painful.

Maybe we all are fake in some way. But I'll say it one more time: YOU BELONG.

[kimschlotwrites]

Thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.

[kehlen.livejournal.com]

You BOTH belong. I enjoy your writings.

In fact, Bsgsix, two of your entries were among my absolute favourites of the week,

And kimschlot, one of yours was as well.

(Sorry, I don't know your names.)

[kimschlotwrites]

Thank you!

[bsgsix]

Thank you so much! That means a lot to me to hear, especially as I am taking a bye this week for mental health reasons (I'm so exhausted that I either don't sleep or sleep for 12-16 hours at a time). Knowing people read and care in a game like this is important, and I appreciate your words. I hope to keep being a favorite in the weeks to come!

And my name is Mandi. :)

[kehlen.livejournal.com]

Nice to meet you, Mandi :). I'm Elena.

[bsgsix]

It's nice to meet you, too, Elena. And you of course as well, Kim. :)

[kimschlotwrites]

Oh, and my name is Kim!

[kehlen.livejournal.com]

Nice to meet you, too!

[kehlen.livejournal.com]

Maybe it'll help if I tell you that there is nothing is this entry I would critique if you asked. Maybe it won't.

I will tell you my way to cope with doubts when they try to drag me down. If I put honest effort into what I am doing, that's it. It is enough at the moment, even if the result does not seem like much, it is simple, childish, awkward, etc.

Because to do something well, you have to do it and keep doing it. You will never be satisfied with your level, but at some point others ~will start saying, "wow, they are good".

Also, saying "thank you" is good enough for me. Personally, I most often cannot answer comments to the entry I'd just written, because it is too raw, and put it off instil next week (doing this right now together with reading this week's entries), and even then, "thank you" is sometimes all I can say.


Oops, sorry for the rambling wall of text :)

[kimschlotwrites]

You don’t have to apologize! I appreciate the comment.

[halfshellvenus]

I think most of us put on a brave face for the public, whether it's now and then or whether it's a mask we wear more often than we would like. I'm not sure that's necessarily bad.

We interact, we try not to bring each other down too much. We try to find the help we need if it's chronic depression or financial problems or whatever.

But sometimes, our efforts to be cheerful and upbeat may be the thing pulling someone else out of feeling as bad as they might. As a society, this is a favor we can offer each other-- cheering each other up, striving to see the good.

Sometimes we help ourselves believe it as well. :)

[kimschlotwrites]

I agree. I think most people mask their sadness for the sake of others. Either for appearances or not wanting to burden others.

[thephantomq]

I feel like this is a pretty common experience. <3 And it's hard, sometimes, letting that mask fall and to let people in and see what's really going on underneath.

It was brave of you to share this with Idol, and you did an excellent job in so few words, conveying how you can identify as a liar. I'm not so sure you are. I think hiding pain like this is a fairly human thing. <3

[kimschlotwrites]

Thank you.

Liar is negative sounding. Maybe I’ll call myself an actress. lol

[rayaso]

I agree with the others -- this is brave of you, to let yourself out, if only a little, here. Depression can be bad enough, but the struggle to hide must be awful.

[kimschlotwrites]

Thank you.

[tatdatcm]

I think a lot of times the lie is just easier, less painful, than the explanation of the reality. When we want to be seen and heard, we can still do so and be there, even if it’s not totally us. I also think all of us here are lying a bit about our writing, not how well we do it, but how well we perceive we do it. But, the practice is good for us and there’s more honesty in a lot of our posts than we generally share with the rest of social media. You’re definitely not alone.

[kimschlotwrites]

It’s definitely easier to lie. Writing this was not easy! lol

[moretta]

I think we all have impostor syndrome here, and are not sure how we get by week by week. In that, anyway, you're not alone.
This took a lot of courage, opening up. Thank you for sharing with us.

[kimschlotwrites]

Thank you! It was terrifying to post it.

[adoptedwriter]

I agree re not being political on soc media. I’m not a good fighter or arguer. I just believe what I believe and go on intuition.

[kimschlotwrites]

Sometimes it’s hard to stay quiet, but if someone said something that made it hard to stay quiet, then I already know their belief is too strong and what I say will just cause an argument, not change anyone’s minds.

[murielle]

No you're not! *Hugs*

And you *do so* belong here with the rest of us would-be writers.

The reason you're still here is because you deserve to be.

This is a deeply honest and moving piece that meets the prompt head-on, and touches the heart of the reader.

Brava! Brava!

[kimschlotwrites]

Thank you so much!

[megatronix]

(Hugs) offered for you!! Is this your first season on LJ Idol? Pardon me for not knowing!! It’s my .. uh? Third..? Maybe? I don’t even know. Point being — my first season here I *totally* felt the imposter syndrome thing and it suuuucked. One of the reasons I have been sloowwwlyyyy putting myself out into the world as a writer is because I’m terrified of negative feedback. More and more I’m able to believe that my writing is truly for me. But it’s hard. How other people receive it affects me. Being a writer is hard because it’s Usually us sensitive folks who write! And then our sensitive souls make us afraid to share. Anywho, all that is to say that I like your writing, I’m glad you’re here, and I hope you like your own writing and enjoy being here too. To me, it seems like you belong here perfectly! :)

I am glad you wrote this. I identified with a lot of it!!

[kimschlotwrites]

Thank you! This is my second season. Still feel out of place at times. But I enjoy writing!