kimschlotwrites

Boobs.

Yeah. I thought that would get your attention.

So, I’m an overweight woman, but I haven’t blessed with a certain physical attribute that most other overweight woman have been blessed with. Yup, I got small boobs. It’s a pain in the butt with shirts. If it fits over my gut, it’s going to be too big in the top.

If you’re getting tired of reading about my boobs, don’t worry, I’m tired about writing about them. But I am going to tell you all about my theory as to why I am not well endowed.

Before a person is born, they’re kept in this big hotel. Really huge, really nice. Each being has their own room. Oh, and before you’re born, you’re just this gray mannequin looking thing.

Anyway, so one day before I’m born, I’m hanging out in my room, lying down, thinking about napping, when there is a knock at my door. With a heavy sigh, I get out of bed and walk to the door. There’s an envelope on the floor in front of the door. I pick it up, and look out my peephole. No one is waiting. I pick of the envelope, opening it while I walk back to the bed. It’s a letter in gold script.

You are invited to a Brunch Buffet with the Big Man.

Someone will be by to escort you to the banquet hall.

Please, do not share your invitation with any other being. This is an exclusive event, and not everyone has been invited.

A few things about this letter. First, a Brunch Buffet? Hell yeah. A Brunch Buffet is the second best type of buffet ever. Second, there is really no time in this hotel. The invite can’t just say be ready at 11am or something. So they have someone come to get you. Third, “The Big Man” can refer to God, the creator, or the universe itself. Whatever. But an invite his huge. And lastly, an exclusive event that I’m invited to? Go me! I’m special!

At some point, the knock came to my door. I flew out of bed, and was ready. I kept asking my escort questions, “What’s this about?” “How many other beings will be there?” “Is the bacon chewy or crispy?” But I got no answers. Very hush hush.

The ballroom is gorgeous. Crystal chandeliers, tables with linen napkins. And it smelled amazing. The food wasn’t out yet, but I could smell it. My mouth was watering.

My escort told me to sit, and relax. The food would be brought out shortly. I couldn’t keep my eyes off the long buffet tables. When was the food coming out? I was ready to eat!

Other beings kept filing in. There were a lot of us in the room, probably a couple hundred. Everyone eyed the empty buffet tables. Finally, the last person was seated. The banquet doors closed, and the buffet was brought out.

There was a lot of excited chatter. I heard people making game plans, “First, I’m getting eggs, then hashbrowns and bacon. I’ll eat those and go back up to the carving station, and do they have soup?”

When we were told that would could eat, it was like a stampede. I tried to show some restraint, but those Belgian Waffles with strawberries and whipped cream were calling my name. I may have jostled my way to the front of that line. I would have felt bad, but you should have the seen the way people were going for the smoked salmon. Insane!

After starting in on my second plate, the Big Man entered the banquet hall. Some clapped, some hooted and hollered. Some were just in complete awe that they stared open mouthed, their forks just hanging there.

The Big Man spoke, “Thank you all for being here.” He had the big booming voice you’d expect. “I hope you are all enjoying the brunch buffet. Please keep eating. I’m sure you all can eat and listen at the same time.” He smiled. There was some polite laughter. I mean it wasn’t funny, but he’s the Big Man. You laugh when he tells a joke.

“I’ve called you all here today because I wanted to warn you about your upcoming lives. You’re going to be fat. It’s going to be difficult, and I apologize.” He paused. “You’ll be teased, picked on. A lot of you will suffer from low self esteem and low self worth. You’ll wonder if you would be treated differently if you were thinner.”

There was talk among us. We did not like what we were hearing.

The Big Man continued. “However, to offset some of this, I’m going to give you a gift. I am going to give you boobs. Everyone loves boobs. And you will have them. So, please, line up, and I will give them to you.”

Like with the buffet, there’s a mad rush to get into line for this gift. I start to get in line, but I’m distracted by the buffet. They are taking the brunch buffet foods down, and putting up a dessert buffet. A dessert buffet. The best buffet ever. The only kind of buffet that is better than a brunch buffet.

I glance at the line for the boobs, and then back at the buffet line. Buffet line was shorter, it won out. I grabbed a couple cookies and a piece of cheesecake, and went back to my table to eat. When I finished I looked up at the boob line. Still incredibly long. The dessert buffet looks like it hasn’t been discovered by most of the beings in the room. Time for seconds. Pecan pie, here I come.

While I’m topping this ooey gooey goodness with whipped cream, The Big Man voice comes out again. “It looks like I have run out. To those who didn’t get their gift, I deeply apologize.”

I shrug it off. It didn’t seem worth waiting in that long line anyway.

As I’m walking back to my seat, this being comes up to me, and says excitedly, “I have boobs!”

Just as enthusiastically, I hold my plate in the air and answer, “I have pie!”

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

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static_abyss

Wonderful. Listen, pie over boobs any day. G

kimschlotwrites

That’s what I’m saying! lol

megatronix

Ha, this is great! Pie is excellent, it's true!

Thank you. And yes it is!

bsgsix

This gave me chuckle while at the same time, made me nod my head. To have it all... but in the end, why not have the pie?

I love the way you told this story, the theory behind it, and the wonderful ending. And while I'm sorry the Big Man ran out of boobs for you, that must have been some frakking amazing pie! ;)